HCC, 2e and No More Homemade Valentine’s

There’s a wave of giftedness sweeping across Seattle and my son’s not part of it.

Every parent I talk to these days has a child who is part of the “highly-capable cohort” (HCC for short) – the latest term for kids who score in the top percentiles on standardized tests.  In the disability world, these kids are called “twice exceptional” or 2e – meaning the student has special needs but also extraordinary cognitive gifts.

My son Ted is just once exceptional, being on the Autism Spectrum.  That’s not to put him down.  Ted has tremendous talents (just see what he can do with a couple of bungee cords, unlimited dental floss, and a stack of traffic cones), but by academic measures, he’s behind.

Part of me thinks, So what?  He’s only in kindergarten! 

Another part worries that if we let him fall too far behind, his self-esteem will suffer; he’ll be excluded from the mainstream classroom and further alienated from his peers. 

Yet a third part – a painful voice inside that I don’t often acknowledge – wonders if Ted just wasn’t meant to keep up.  Is it fair to place the same expectations on him as typical kids?  Perhaps I should accept the limitations of his disability – if only I knew what those were.

 It wasn’t that long ago that Ted couldn’t engage in any kind of learning.  If asked to draw, he’d hurl the marker, hide under a table, or turn into an obnoxious, nonstop meowing cat – or all three.  When I attempted to have him count aloud, he’d withdraw and suck his thumb.  He refused to even glance at the pages of the alphabet classic Chicka Chicka Boom Boom.

Now, after hours of therapy – occupational, behavioral and psychological – he can write his own name and count to ten.  These seem like huge accomplishments until I witness his classmates writing whole sentences and counting to one hundred.

I struggle to find the balance between affirming Ted right where he’s at and challenging him to the next level.  Other parents (usually those whose kid is reading above grade level) tell me to relax.  He’ll learn when he’s ready, they say.  But Ted is not the kind of kid you can just wait around on and see what naturally emerges.  He requires gentle but persistent prodding, untold patience, and ingenuity.

Once, exasperated in my efforts to teach him the alphabet, I wrote the letters in aerosol cake frosting and let him lick up those he could correctly identify.  His letter recognition skyrocketed.  Last fall, faced with a long list of “sight words” Ted was to memorize by year end, I began writing one word per week on his thigh in permanent marker.  Now every bowel movement is a learning opportunity.

Admittedly, there are times I overdo it, like this past Valentine’s Day.

I decided that this year Ted would make his own cards.  I came up with the idea of cutting sight words out of the newspaper.  My plan was to help Ted rearrange the words into simple yet heartfelt Valentine sentiments – Be mine, You’re special or I like youand glue them onto cardstock.

I bought reams of Valentine-themed stickers, along with some more boy-friendly monsters and robots.  I loaded up on DOT markers, gluesticks and heart-shaped doilies.  I even broke my household ban on glitter glue.  Then I asked Ted to join me for this fun and educational activity.

In actual fact, Ted had already memorized a dozen or so sight words.  That should have been cause enough to pause and celebrate.  I have a bad habit of raising the bar the moment he reaches it.  He can handle ten words?  Great!  Let’s give him fifty.

I probably don’t need to tell you how all this ended – with me up late the night before Valentine’s Day, slapping sight words and hearts stickers onto 23 pieces of cardstock and cursing myself mightily.  The following morning, in exchange for a handful of M& M’s, I was able to get Ted to write the names of three classmates.  I wrote the rest in exceptionally neat handwriting – just to keep those “HCC” parents guessing.

Truthfully, we don’t know what Ted’s academic future holds.  In that regard, I don’t think we’re all that different from the parents of any five-year-old.  Our job remains the same: to encourage our kids to express their full potential while still allowing them a certain amount of freedom to learn on their own terms – even if it means store-bought Valentine’s.

Our school science fair is coming up.  Participation is optional.  On his own, Ted decided to do a project on volcanos.  We hopped on the computer and googled “How to make a volcano.”  Soon the two of us were up to our elbows in paper-mache as we molded the mountain Ted has christened Old Smoky.  He talked about shifting tectonic plates, volcanic islands, and lava flow.  There was no counting or reading involved, but it was learning at its best.

It reminded me what every parent knows in their heart:

My child is gifted.

My child is capable.

My child is exceptional in more ways than I can count.

 

 

 

Food Fight At Whole Foods: Stick It In My What?!

Let me begin by saying I’m not proud of how I behaved.  There’s no excuse for getting in a food fight with another Whole Foods customer.  I also don’t have a color theme for this entry, unless it’s the pallid shade of oatmeal I purposely knocked on the floor.

Every Sunday I take my two boys – Ted, five-years-old and on the Autism Spectrum, and Tom, three-years-old – to Whole Foods for breakfast.  These outings give both boys much-needed practice on how to behave in public.  It also happens that the scrambled eggs at the Whole Foods breakfast bar are the only ones Ted will eat.

Before exiting the car, I go over the ground rules: calm voices, safe hands, stick together.  Our first stop is the bulk candy aisle where I load up on chocolate Sun Drops to intermittently reward these “expected” behaviors.

Something about Whole Foods sets Ted off – the high ceilings, bright lights, the assault of color and sound.  His body revs up.  His voice escalates.  He makes loud random noises and his limbs wing out in all directions, accidentally knocking things over.  Every item seems to call out to him to be grabbed, squeezed, fondled or flung.  Once he tore open a bag of hamburger buns before I could stop him.  Another time he smashed a pomegranate on the floor “to see what’s inside.”  We avoid the wine aisle at all costs and don’t even get me started about the risks associated with the salad bar.

We get looks.  They’re not the same, sympathetic kind I used to get when Ted was a toddler melting down or running loose through the grocery store aisles.  Although his condition hasn’t changed, social expectations have.  These looks communicate one thing:  Get your kid under control.

People, I would if I could.  A large chunk of my life is devoted to trying to mitigate, modulate and eradicate Ted’s inappropriate behaviors.  I am up to my aching temples with sticker charts, token systems, behavioral plans and therapy appointments.  On my better days, I redirect, encourage and incentivize.  On my worst days, I yell, threaten and bribe.

What can I tell you?  I have a kid on the Spectrum and a spirited three-year-old.  Shit’s going to happen.

Most people who raise an eyebrow back down the moment I shoot them a return look.  Others act helpful – “Oh, don’t touch that, Sweetie!” – as if I’m a hapless, overwhelmed mother who doesn’t know how to discipline her children (which I am, but still capable of telling Ted to drop the salad tongs.).

Perhaps it’s this sense of feeling a little persecuted and put down that primed my reaction on the morning in question.  Or maybe, after a very long school break, a bout of family illness, ongoing fights on multiple fronts to get my son services and the daily stress of raising a child on the Spectrum, I was just tired, fed up and more than ready to throw something.

It happened at the oatmeal bar.  I was helping Ted scoop oatmeal into his bowl.  A tall man with a mustache barged in next to us, a clear violation of Whole Foods etiquette.  Ted hovered excitedly over the toppings while the man stood too close, waiting impatiently for his turn.  Ted’s movements, as usual, were excitable but in no way threatening or destructive.

The man spoke directly to Ted.  “Slow down!” he scolded.

I’ve never liked men with mustaches, but men who use their size and gender to intimidate others are reprehensible to me.  And no one, of any size, gender or facial hair preference, speaks to my child in that tone.

“Don’t talk to my child like that,” I said.

“Stick it in your ear, Ma’am,” he replied.

“Excuse me?”

He stuck his face a few inches from mine and repeated himself slowly.  “Stick – It – In – Your – Ear – Ma’am.”

There are a dozen reasons why I should have just walked away.  The man could have been armed and dangerous for all I knew.  At the very least, he was in a rotten mood.  My kids were watching.  In the back of my mind I heard them reciting my own mantra back to me: Calm voices!  Safe hands!  This was my chance to teach them about mature conflict management, a chance I squandered.

His lidless, to-go bowl of oatmeal stood on the edge of the bar.  With a gentle nudge, I knocked it onto the floor.

“Sorry,” I said.  “I seem to have knocked over your oatmeal.”

“Security!” the man yelled.  “I’ve been assaulted!”  He started to stomp off but stopped suddenly.  He reached into my grocery cart and pulled out our large, to-go box of scrambled eggs and hurled it across the floor.

Uh oh.  This has gotten out of hand, I thought.  Definitely time to walk away. 

I stopped by the cashier and gave her a slightly abridged version of events (“That man just threw eggs all over the floor.”)  I served us up a second breakfast, paid for it and we sat and ate in the café.  The man sat a few tables away and we didn’t dare look at each other.  Neither of us was asked to leave although we both deserve to be barred from the store.

What’s the take home lesson for me?  Chill out!  Go to therapy or take up kickboxing, but find a more appropriate way to deal with anger.  For heaven’s sake, what kind of mother throws oatmeal?   And also: Go easy on yourself, get more breaks and forgive yourself for acting like a three-year-old.

The take home lesson for everyone else:  Give my son some space to be himself.  He’s different.  He’s loud and annoying.  He knocks over the occasional display of loofahs and incense sticks.  But take my word for it: he is trying his best!  As am I.  Most importantly, if you have a problem with his behavior, talk to me about it – NOT HIM.

Otherwise, be warned, your oatmeal might wind up on the floor.

Our Slim-Fast Anniversary: How Raising A Child On The Spectrum Has Challenged Our Marriage

This month Paul and I will celebrate our twentieth wedding anniversary.

Twenty years ago I wasn’t concerned with the latest Autism research, inclusive education or fighting for disability rights.  I was worried about my weight.  My wedding dress fit perfectly except for revealing an ugly bulge of belly fat.  Three weeks out from W-Day I started an emergency Slim-Fast diet, replacing meals with 8oz of pink, strawberry-flavored froth.

By some twist of logic, I persuaded Paul to diet with me.   It wasn’t fair, I protested, that brides have to starve themselves into Barbie-sized dresses while grooms get to marry in the relative comfort of suit pants.  I railed against unrealistic images of feminine beauty, sexual double standards and the objectification of women until he said, “Alright.  I’ll do it.”

Every night for three weeks we power-walked around our Chicago neighborhood, returning to our battered, shoebox apartment.  We’d roll out the TV cart, crack open two cans of Slim-Fast and watch countless episodes of Mad About You.  We couldn’t wait to be married, simply so we could go back to eating solid food.

Fourteen years later, we had Ted.  It was a difficult conception and a near-catastrophic birth followed by several years of anxiety about Ted’s development.  By age two it was evident to me that Ted had challenges and required more help than we alone could give him.  Paul disagreed.

For several months we stayed up most nights in bed arguing.  We fought over the inconceivable question of whether or not there was something “wrong” with our child.  I maintained that Ted’s behavior was out-of-the-ordinary and we needed to intervene now.  I cited as evidence the daily “incident slips” arriving home from preschool, the preschool’s suggestion that we get Ted evaluated and my own observations of Ted acting differently than his peers.

Paul agreed that Ted could be intense and difficult to manage but not exceptionally so.  Lots of boys act up, he insisted.  He wanted to hold off on any kind of evaluation to see if Ted’s issues would resolve themselves over time.  He didn’t want some doctor mislabeling or meddling with his son.  He accused me of over-reacting; I accused him of denial.

The distance between us grew.  In the past, we’d always been on the same team.  Whether partaking in a ridiculous diet, facing a family death or undergoing infertility treatments, we’d endured our struggles together.  Now, when the stakes were highest, we each felt abandoned by the other.

The turning point came late one night after a prolonged argument.  We each lay staring up at the ceiling in a silent stalemate.  We had reached that devastating precipice in a marriage where there is nothing left to say and the future feels uncertain.

I turned and looked at Paul.  It was as though I was seeing him for the first time in months.  His eyes were red and swollen and his forehead deeply creased.  His face devastated me.  I saw in it a mirror of the worry and anguish I thought I carried alone.  He clearly felt it too.  Seeing him so vulnerable stripped me of my own defenses.  I began to cry.

“I’m so scared,” I said.  “I love him so much.  I don’t know what to do.”

“Me too,” he said.

We reached out and held each other tightly.

I can’t say we’ve agreed on everything since.  When we do disagree, it’s this place we try to return to: a place of joint tenderness and vulnerability, of being held together by our fears but united in our love for Ted.  Neither of us would ever accuse the other of not loving our son.  We both want what’s best for him even when we disagree on what that is.

I never lost my belly fat.  Two kids and twenty years have only added more bulges.  Still, I might purchase some Slim-Fast for our twentieth anniversary.  We can split a can, watch reruns of Mad About You and remind ourselves of all that we share.

 

Ghostbusting, Anxiety And The Battle Against Green Slime

My boys’ obsession with Ghostbusters began one afternoon when I was trying to do yoga alone in my bedroom.  The movie’s theme song came on, having somehow made its way onto my Soothing Instrumentals playlist.  The boys stormed in.  Soon the three of us were flying around with towels and blankets thrown over our heads, spooking one another and shouting out, Who Ya Gonna Call?

Since then we’ve listened to the song countless times, purchased Ghostbuster action figures and even built a model of the Ecto I.  Perhaps against my better judgment, I let the boys watch a snippet from the original movie: the scene when Slimer – the putrid green ghost with an obscene pink tongue – first makes its appearance.  At the instant Slimer charges Dr. Venkman, ensnaring him in green goo, Ted ran out of the room screaming.  Tommy grinned and said, “I like Slimer.”

Although he hasn’t asked to see the movie again, Ted’s preoccupation with the paranormal continues.   He has endless questions: What are ghosts made of?  Where do they live?  Are they real?  He is both intrigued and unnerved by these invisible beings floating through space, haunting us and wreaking havoc on the material world, somewhat similar to the anxieties he must face every day.

I didn’t know until recently the extent that Autism and anxiety can overlap.  Many of the bizarre and disruptive behaviors exhibited by A.S.D. kids are actually rooted in anxiety.  The list of my son’s anxieties is ever-expanding:  the dark, crowds, unexpected noises, changes in routine, odd foods, and now, thanks to his mother, green ghosts that slime people.

Anxiety is also a big part of raising a child with a disability.  My own fears often well up at night, like the ginormous Stay Puft marshmallow ghost.  I am visited by apparitions from the future: Ted, five years from now, still trying to correctly identify the letters of the alphabet, stuck in a self-contained classroom or kicked out of school altogether because he’s “too difficult” to manage.  Ted, age twenty, struggling to complete high school with no job prospects and unable to live independently.  Then I move onto Tom who’s showing some of A.S.D.’s telltale signs: massive meltdowns, food and auditory sensitivities.  Oh no! my inner ghost taunts, What if he’s on the Spectrum too?

I wake up from these restless nights in a state of sticky paralysis, as if I’ve been slimed.  I’m liable to transfer this viscous anxiety onto my children.  There are times when I push them to perform in order to alleviate my anxiety, forcing Ted into more handwriting practice (another area of delay) or insisting Tom eat everything on his plate just to prove to me he’s not a picky-eater.  In my desperation to be reassured that they will be okay, I end up communicating to them that they are somehow not okay.

These moments call for some serious ghostbusting.  For me, that means refocusing on what’s real.  What’s real is Ted’s smile, his laughter, his sly sense of humor and his wicked morning breath.  What’s real is that, yes, he has some significant challenges but we’re working on them and he’s showing progress.  What’s real is that Tom is a stubborn three-year-old who throws fits and sometimes refuses to eat.  He’s also sociable, confident and positively gleeful.  When I get the slime out of my eyes and focus on the real flesh and blood children before me I see that, in actuality, they’re doing just fine.

Yesterday, the kid’s “Deluxe Ghostbuster Costumes” arrived via Amazon.  These full-body jump suits, complete with ghostbuster emblem and inflatable proton pack, promise to take their ghostbusting to a whole new level.  Now the boys can suit up, turn on the theme song and zap away all those pesky ghosts that keep us up at night – while I try to do yoga.

 

Riding The Short Bus

It’s fall and the streets are filled with yellow school buses.

I didn’t grow up riding a school bus.  I lived in a small town and everyone walked to school together.  It wasn’t until college that I heard the term, he (or she) rides the short bus.  Someone had to explain it to me.

My son rides the short bus, or at least he did last year when he attended a developmental preschool (one for kids with disabilities) a few miles from our home.  Now that he’s started kindergarten he can walk to his neighborhood school.  He’s lucky to attend.  Many disabled kids in our district can’t attend their neighborhood school either because it lacks services or all the special education seats are filled.  Instead, these kids are shuttled around the city in short buses, often to segregated or “self-contained” classrooms.

Ted was three-years-old and newly diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder when the short bus pulled up to our house.  I rode along with him that first day.  I expected the bus driver to be friendly and empathic.  She wasn’t.  She huffed impatiently as I struggled to loosen the seat buckles.  We rode past other moms walking their children to school.  Ted and I were the only ones on the bus for most of the ride.  I felt intensely lonely, as if I had been sealed off from the normal world the moment the bus doors shut.

I soon got to know other parents of kids with disabilities.  We’d wave whenever we ran into each other at the preschool, picking our kids up for afternoon therapies or dropping them off late due to a morning meltdown.  We naturally became friends, having in common the unique experience of raising a child with special needs.  I felt a warmth toward these parents that I didn’t feel for the parents of so-called typically-developing kids.  I was, and still am, jealous and resentful of those who seemed to have had a smoother ride.

Now that Ted has entered his neighborhood school, I’m surrounded by parents who don’t share my experience.  Their parenting journey has been very different from my own.   I find myself keeping my distance, not joining in the group conversations or parental huddles that form every afternoon outside the kindergarten classroom.  I tell myself that these parents haven’t been through what I’ve been through.  How much could we have in common?

I gravitate instead toward the handful of parents at the school who also have a child with special needs.  We share stories, swap resources and moan about other parents who just don’t get it.  It’s easy to take an us versus them mentality when there’s so much about our lives that these other parents can’t understand.  They’ve never had to watch their child board the short bus and confront all that it foretells about their child’s future and chances at a normal, happy life.

Then it dawns on me that it’s this focus on difference that has led to separate education for kids with disabilities: separate schools, separate classrooms and even separate buses.  My son is more alike his classmates than not.  He’s a child first and foremost, just as I am a parent like all those other parents.  Even our differences don’t have to exclude us unless we let them.  When I keep myself apart from the community, I buy into the idea that different inevitably mean separate.  My standoffishness doesn’t do me or my son any favors: it keeps us on the short bus rather than taking  us off of it.

My son doesn’t ride the short bus anymore.  Neither do I.